The Ballad of Masturbating Doug

I’ve been slack about putting this series of text messages online. Almost three years ago while living back in Texas, I had a no term sim only phone plan with T-Mobile. For months, I received regular calls from people looking for the previous owner of my phone number, Jennifer. Jennifer got a lot of calls from creditors who usually didn’t believe that I was not really her. (What? A T-Mobile customer that has credit problems? No way!) I promise T-Mobile didn’t pay me any money for this. With regular people, I usually pretended to be Jennifer for a while as a prank. They usually figured it out quickly and either thought I was a creep or a genius. I had the phone number for at least six months and most of the calls had slowed down, until one special day… Note: I’ve blurred the face in the interest of privacy. […]

Spicy Mexican Candy

I have recently rediscovered my love of mexican candy. Spicy mexican candy. I guess ‘re-ignited’ would be a better word than ‘rediscovered’ because the burn starts on the tongue and flows directly to my heart. Tons of mexican candy is either coated in chili or has chili mixed into it. I think the very best example of this are fruity lollipops. Delicious and sweet watermelon and mango lollipops, shaped just like a slice of watermelon or a whole mango, were all the rage when I was a kid. The big catch: they have a thick coating of chili that it like licking the surface of the sun. Oh, you can get the non-chili coated versions if you look hard enough. They’re not as popular, but they’re there. But who wants the wimpy candy-only version when your friends are all out there spicing it up like champs? No one, that’s who. […]