Daily Archives: 2016-10-05


The Ballad of Masturbating Doug

I’ve been slack about putting this series of text messages online. Almost three years ago while living back in Texas, I had a no term sim only phone plan with T-Mobile. For months, I received regular calls from people looking for the previous owner of my phone number, Jennifer. Jennifer got a lot of calls from creditors who usually didn’t believe that I was not really her. (What? A T-Mobile customer that has credit problems? No way!) I promise T-Mobile didn’t pay me any money for this. With regular people, I usually pretended to be Jennifer for a while as a prank. They usually figured it out quickly and either thought I was a creep or a genius. I had the phone number for at least six months and most of the calls had slowed down, until one special day… Note: I’ve blurred the face in the interest of privacy. […]