The Ballad of Masturbating Doug


I’ve been slack about putting this series of text messages online. Almost three years ago while living back in Texas, I had a no term sim only phone plan with T-Mobile. For months, I received regular calls from people looking for the previous owner of my phone number, Jennifer. Jennifer got a lot of calls from creditors who usually didn’t believe that I was not really her. (What? A T-Mobile customer that has credit problems? No way!) I promise T-Mobile didn’t pay me any money for this.

With regular people, I usually pretended to be Jennifer for a while as a prank. They usually figured it out quickly and either thought I was a creep or a genius. I had the phone number for at least six months and most of the calls had slowed down, until one special day…

Note: I’ve blurred the face in the interest of privacy. The safe for work version is below. (Even that might not be SFW) The NSFW version is right below it and is least a little bit funnier, in my opinion.

mastdougSFW

 

Keep scrolling from here if you like to almost see penises.

 

mastdougNSFW

 

My best friend and roommate found me giggling on the couch, just wondering how long it would all last. Apparently, cat/pussy jokes are where Doug finally draws the line.