The Ballad of Masturbating Doug

I’ve been slack about putting this series of text messages online. Almost three years ago while living back in Texas, I had a no term sim only phone plan with T-Mobile. For months, I received regular calls from people looking for the previous owner of my phone number, Jennifer. Jennifer got a lot of calls from creditors who usually didn’t believe that I was not really her. (What? A T-Mobile customer that has credit problems? No way!) I promise T-Mobile didn’t pay me any money for this. With regular people, I usually pretended to be Jennifer for a while as a prank. They usually figured it out quickly and either thought I was a creep or a genius. I had the phone number for at least six months and most of the calls had slowed down, until one special day… Note: I’ve blurred the face in the interest of privacy. […]

Spicy Mexican Candy

I have recently rediscovered my love of mexican candy. Spicy mexican candy. I guess ‘re-ignited’ would be a better word than ‘rediscovered’ because the burn starts on the tongue and flows directly to my heart. Tons of mexican candy is either coated in chili or has chili mixed into it. I think the very best example of this are fruity lollipops. Delicious and sweet watermelon and mango lollipops, shaped just like a slice of watermelon or a whole mango, were all the rage when I was a kid. The big catch: they have a thick coating of chili that it like licking the surface of the sun. Oh, you can get the non-chili coated versions if you look hard enough. They’re not as popular, but they’re there. But who wants the wimpy candy-only version when your friends are all out there spicing it up like champs? No one, that’s who. […]

First Time for Everything: Room Escape Game

Escape games are a subgenre of point and click adventure games that has emerged in recent years. These games usually start with the player locked in a room, car, phone booth, etc. with little to no explanation as to how they got there. The player must follow a trail of clandestine clues and games to find keys and codes that will eventually allow the player to escape. Imagine if Saw were more playful or Rube Goldberg was more masochistic. In a classic case of life imitating art, live action escape games have been opening up in major cities. Brisbane has four different ones, each with more than one scenario. Sydney, Austin, Melbourne, San Antonio, London, and New York all have at least one live escape game operating, generally with at least two scenarios. All of them appear to have opened after 2013, so the business is both new and rapidly expanding. I gathered a group […]

Wanky Thinkpieces: Legalized Gay Marriage in America

Look guys, I know that you have already heard everyone’s opinions on gay marriage. You’re either happy or appalled and the discussions on the matter have been droning on for years and the recent Supreme Court decision means that everyone has to tell everyone else their opinions on the matter. This is mine. Honestly, I’m just so psyched for gay people. How validating it must be. The United States temperature probably went up two degrees as millions of people collectively breathed a sigh of relief. Does this mean that discrimination for gay people is over? Of course not. It probably never will be. Not completely. People fear things that are different and some portion of the population is always going to be at least partially creeped out by weiners or butts or vaginas getting mashed together in a way that is different from how they like to mash up their […]

First Time for Everything: Australia Zoo

I love animals and looking at animals and hanging out with them and petting them and eating them. I realize that saying that I like to eat them might seem like a contradiction with the other stuff I said, but the way I see it, animals are eating each other all the time and I’m just jumping on the food chain with them. Sure, I’m joining up at the top of the food chain, but at least I am there. I also don’t really like the responsibility of owning pets. You gotta feed a thing; love it, train it, and keep it alive. There’s daily recurring responsibility there, which is my least favorite kind of responsibility. It’s a lot like having a kid, if you could get away with feeding that kid the cheapest food and not sending them to school. That means my options for hanging out with animals […]